And it happened again..
Yes, it happened again last night. Everytime we have a ’sweet’ moment together, I ruined everything by my ’stupid’ little words or action. I’m just so hate myself right now for so stubborn and don’t want listen to people, even to him. I’ve hurt him so many times. I said I would change but recently am just getting worse. And I feel that suddenly there’s a little gap between us. What has happened to me? So many times we just talk and then quarrel.I think the main problem from me is, I want to take control in this relationship. I want him to listen to what I say (and that make me hardly want to hear from him back), I want the control! But why do I want and need the control? Because I want to gain the respect him. But I forgot that we should respect each other and not only one. How selfish I am. Yes, I know that already, but why I still don’t want to change? It’s time to grow up and make another step, bring this relation to the next level. What I’m doing is just pulling it backwards day by day, we don’t get any improvement in our relationship, we don’t talk heart to heart recently, misunderstanding keeps on happen. What am i doing? Why am I like that? Should I make the man who loves me, hates me then only I satisfied?
Respect, control, where are they come from? I want to feel secure, in need, am just always feel not enough, and yah, this is another problem of me, NEVER GET ENOUGH. I’m just so greedy, never feel enough, I want more and more and more. And see the result that I have right now. Should I be happy with it? I ruined everything I have.
Respect, control, should I really need and want them that much? Why? I think deeply and I find some old burden there. It’s his past. It’s her. I know all of those has pass already, we should look ahead. I DID it. Once, he opened my eyes to reality and woke me up from my sweet La la land. That’s a good learning for me. Since then, I TRIED to trust him back, understand him. I still have that trauma, that he is not honest to me, he got something inside, but hidden from me, and when I know, am just like a silly girl who was blind and deaf all the time. I move on with this burden, and it’s getting smaller and smaller, till once I almost forgot about it and never think of it anymore. I’ve worked hard to achieve that. Until one particular day, september last year, I read his blog and found out how he still felts about this girl. I know he just wanna recall sth back, but I was like “just listen to what I wanna listen to” and shut my mind from other things. And from that day on, the burden came back, I tried to work on it. Very hard. Maybe I was trying only, that’s why didn’t work. And I’m like crazy in gain my confidence back, I tried to take control in this relation, more and more. I forgot about the mutual relation already. I thought I’ve given him enough space, enough respect while me myself still want more and more. Selfish? Exactly what he always tells me.
I just want to prove to myself that I can control my boy. I want him to forget her, I don’t want her to control his mind and his heart, but me. And now, I do it too hard. I don’t know whether I’ve achieved what I wanna achieve or not. I wanna asked him about his feeling, but I have no gut to do that. Time to wake up Kat. Don’t be so greedy and proving something useless! You are strong enough to overcome the past. Don’t make yourself be a victim just want to gain his attention! Grow up girl! Change your bad attitude, at least listen to people and you will see the changes around you. Do you feel happy right now? No, I don’t! Am so sick with this. Do I really have no intention to change? to make my life better? I know I have, and I know I want to. Well, enough of just talk about it, DO IT! Action speaks louder.
