When time comes

I can’t delay anymore. I can’t stop the time. I can’t deny from the fact. I no longer can run and hide from my fear.

When I have to leave, I have to leave. When I have to choose, I have to choose.

I will leave Malaysia on 7th May.

Will I come back again? Sure. I will spare the time and money to come back for holidays. for him for the friends here. for Malaysia itself.

What will I do in Medan? Get myself a job of course. Yeah, a job, not a career at the moment. Whether it is advertising or not, I’m fine with it.

What about AE? I still want it. But I feel I lack of something. Actually, I’m just not confident. I want to try other thing to build myself before come to it. Or maybe I will hook on my new job later, who knows.

After all, I think I just need to set myself free from plans, certainty, clarity and go with the flow for a while. I’ve been a robotic human who live with plans and certainty, so damn organize punya life. Spontaneous is needed now.

I’ve thrown away quite alot of my stuffs while at Puchong there and just now I have to throw some again You know how sad it is to throw something that is not cheap and still can be used but you will hardly use it anymore, and somewhat become useless for you, like the acrylic, crayon, I can’t dump all the so called rubbish to my boy. He has to move out mid of May and still don’t know where to leave all the stuffs. It’s too much for him, himself only. I hate move out.

Seven days to go.

Cats in the house

I maybe dislike the housemate for his behaviour, attitude whatsoever. I haven’t forgotten the internet thing and his word of cleaning the house since last week but still not yet throw all the cats’ litter. The litter in the cage is still there for weeks already. If he takes no action this weekend, I’m gonna choke those in his mouth later on. *sarcastic mode on*

But I can’t resist the cuteness, innocent look from the kitten. From all the 15 (or 16) cats and kitten in the house, I like it the most. I always feel like taking it out from the cage, sayang sayang it. But… the smell (don’t know it’s from the food or the litter or elsewhere) stops me from doing so. Plus all the cage looks so dirty, no need to mention how often the fella clean it.

I think it just one month old. It is the cutest-paling lucu-imut among the siblings. See the way it sleeps. The other two leg is not able to stand yet. I wonder whether or not it is the one that fell down to the floor once the mum gave birth. Also the one that look alike with the mummy. Hopefully it won’t grow up like the mummy, I somehow don’t like the mum’s face.

If cats is forever like that big only, I will go and pet one. How cute, small fat-fat. Sadly they grow up, bigger and bigger, no more cute. Nah, baby also look cute, then grow up already very ma fan one.

The siblings have such a mix color, black-white-brown. More into the daddy side I think since the mum’s color isn’t like that. This is the 3rd cat of the housemate that gave birth, with 3 kittens. I wonder whether cats always gave birth to three or what. Why so ngam one ya?

Despite his dirtiness, the cats and kittens are so lucky to have him as the owner. He provides them lotsa kind of foods, diet food, even weigh first before gave to them. They even have meat. Kitchen is full with the cats foods.Just now we were in the kitchen when the boyfriend of the housemate came in to take a plate full of raw meat. My boy’s mouth is kinda itchy I guess when he told the fella that the meat looks like can be eaten by man. “Yes, it can be.” Then my boy asked whether it’s fish meat or what. “Oh no, it’s beef.”

Wtf?!? That’s a plate full of beef, can feed 3 to 4 people. And he feeds it to the cats? Such a huge animal kena potong-potong and goes into cats’ stomache? -__-” Dear cats and kittens, you are so damn blessed. I don’t even eat beef that often last time. I don’t consume it already now.

Well, they have to feed the new generation healthy, rich, good foods and prepare them for the next cats’ competition, replacing the mum/auntie/uncle I guess. Like the cats know what the fuck that medal for. It’s so many at house, full with dust and cats’ feather.

I don’t know have to say those cats are blessed or what.

Hari ke 29

Bah! Last night I had a dream. Or rather a nightmare. Somehow, I smoked a cigarette, in my dream. What make me more shocked was, my Mum handed it to me! Wtf?!? How could I had such a dream? I don’t crave for smoking. Not wanted to try. Never. She won’t allow me too. Then, what am I worry about? Aiya, fine. Mimpi hanyalah bunga tidur.

Maybe my mind just wanna break the ‘wall’, do something unusual that I never ever dare to try (?) But why smoking ya? *Heran sendiri*

Anyway, today is the 4th week, the 29th day to be exact since the bloody sial day when the hot water from boiled Spaghetti accidentally poured down on my left leg. I’ve changed skin like a snake since then. Felt the pain that I never ever had, unable to walk, went to clinic with him carry me on his back, getting that pity-pain-jijik-euy-shock-like-I-am-the-beast kind of look from people, cannot eat seafood la this la that la, ‘prison’-ized at home, etc. Serasa dunia akan runtuh (Hiperbola sedikit.)

Time does heal. It’s so amazing to see how the leg was back then and now. I can’t believe that I once felt so pain, hurt, down. Now, those feelings has gone. Physically the skin is almost back to normal. Most importantly, I can walk, run, jump, etc! Wuhu! Everyday I look at it, every little changes (the good one of course) always make me smile. Thank you God~!

The most challenging yet painful part, the source of the pain and unable to walk, came from this little yellowish part that was infected by bacteria or whatever.It became more and more obvious. Don’t look down on it oh, though it’s just a small part but the pain it caused was unbelievable.

I didn’t know anything about the infection until my 2nd visit or a week after the incident, the doctor told me,”Yellow not good! It will go deeper and eat the skin” (Yes, it does go deeper, looks like a shallow lake) and rubbed it like rubbed his writing on a piece of paper with eraser with the Sumo power. If rub paper, it comes out those pieces of rubber thingy, nah mine is bleeding! It’s like you rub the paper til it tears or koyak. If the paper can talk sure it will yell Ouch!, grab your hand and ask you to stop.

The pain-the tear-the cry-the patient all worthy when it gets better day by day. The achievement when I managed to peel off that part myself almost everyday, made me ignored the pain and went on for the sake of I want to be able to walk, faster. Pain now for a short time only or leave it and pain for a longer period of time. Of course I choose the first one.

This past 4 weeks I felt how uncomfortable it is to have almost everyone-who-pass-by-me eyes on my fugly leg. It’s so damn uncomfortable. Really. It makes me feel like I’m some sort of alien from the outer space that turn to human but fail. After a while I do try not to give a damn to that kind of look. Fuck with what others think, fuck with the way they stare and look at me and think that they are just being sua pa kau.

That give me a lesson, don’t ever give that pity-euy kind of look to disable ppl or someone with scar on his/her body. There is no need to look at them from the head til toes, from front til back. It helps nothing. Although they probably won’t give a damn, but they are human being too, only not physically normal. But well, who defined normal is normal?

Lagi won’t help by saying “aiyo so pity”, “must be very pain hor”, “why so careless one?”, etc. Duh.. Sien la.. Don’t keep on blaming can ah? I’ve been blaming myself, that’s enough, I need no more blaming. And, I don’t like to be pity. That just make me feel terrible and horrible. Encouragement is more useful. Anyhow, that shows someone care. I thank you everyone for your sympathy and your two cents during my past 4 weeks, either you whom I know well or stranger on the road. Makasi semuanya..

Still there

The wireless connection still on after 11 hours. Wondering why and what makes da fella on it the whole night and day? Whatever it is, I’m glad for that. Whoever he or she is, thank you so much. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to steal but well, it’s a no-password-is-needed punya connection, anyone can enter anytime on his or her own risk. It won’t harm.

I still have AVG and other anti virus - spyware to update. And those takes forever. Duh..

It’s so damn slow to online with my Firefox but it runs smooth with my boy’s Safari. Why oh why?

I need to download Heroes. Connection, please be stable, please please…

The Sims

If I see my life like The Sims game, I’m in the stage of frustration and dead bored. My social life’s bar drop down to almost zero. I don’t even have an internet to chat with ppl. (Well, I can connect to an unprotected wireless connection at night, hehe, but have to prepare anytime it will be off) Duh! And I quarrel with him alot this days. Every words turn to quarrel. Wtf?!? Sigh.. What’s wrong with me? Like in The Sims game, I will need to make new friends or built and maintain the relationship that I have now if not it will drop down.

As if it’s not enough, I don’t know how to have fun and feel it now. I read my newly bought chiclit but I feel something is missing. It’s too quiet, like no life surround me. I turn my music on from my laptop. I still feel so damn lonely. I insert The Sims CD and play it but I don’t feel the fun. I click on the webpage that I saved and learn AutoCad but still something isn’t on. I wanna go out, out from my room and the house. But when I walk on my own in the shopping centre, I feel so empty.

Oh my.. Is this the result of someone spend most of the time at home with no job, no study, no housework, no internet, no TV, no radio? And all those link to no social life. Duh! I’m a dead meat with a dead soul, live like a zombie.

ARGHHHH!!!! I’m gonna end up talking to myself and I will be sent to mental hospital soon if I still like this for this few days. Or getting worse. I need something new to spark my life. I need to do something different.

“If you do what you always do, you will get what you always get.”

Funk you Funk you Funk you Funk you Funk you!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took forever to go in photobucket site. Cannot upload pics then. Sigh…

Still have connection. Play kao kao first then only sleep before da fella off it. MUahaha..

Jumat capek

I was sitting in the RapidKL bus to Putrajaya Sentral while my handphone ring. I picked it up with no clue of whose number is that.

“Can you please clean the round thing that you put around the cats after you come back home? Because it’s not good for the cats.”

Aha. It’s the housemate. “But it’s so smelly.. I don’t know it harms the cats.”

“I know. I have no time to clean it up yesterday. I will clean it on weekend. Please clean the thing cos it can cause bla bla bla…” I didn’t hear it clearly as the bus was so noisy and I’m not in the mood to listen to someone’s lecture early in the morning.

So, this thing has cause him scare like sai. If it’s that dangerous for the cats then why didn’t he clean that thing away and let me know when we all at home tonight? He got so many don’t-do-this-that list. Isshh..

Anyway, the round thing is the one that ppl usually put in the cupboard, wardrobe to prevent smell sth like that. I forget what’s that call already, not even in Bahasa. Si lo…Tonight my phone rang again. Unknown number. His boyfriend asked me to open the door for the housemate because he forgets to bring his key.

The housemate saw my boy and thank him for opening the door. So damn sopan man!

Apa harus aku bertindak kejam baru dia mau toleransi? Orang aneh..

War is declared !

Since last Saturday, I cannot blog! I cannot check emails! I cannot watch Heroes! I cannot read ppl’s blogs! I cannot looking for jobs! I cannot learn Autcad! I cannot download stuffs! I cannot chat thru msn! I cannot cannot CANNOT ONLINE!

I have scared that this day gonna come AGAIN! Since the latest bill for Streamyx is almost RM500 and before that Streamyx sent a warning letter sth like that. Damn it! We sms the housemate and he came back to us with a lame answer SERVER DOWN. Oho.. Fine. We waited and waited till monday. We contacted him again, either sms or call. He saw us at home on Monday and said nothing. Tuesday we contacted him again and he came back home told us another lame answer ~ Because no one use the internet, only you and your girlfriend, so I cut it lo.

Wtf?!? Last saturday he said server down, monday no reaction and now he cut already. He cannot afford to pay, say la. So damn want to save the face. I so wanted to know how he settle the bill in order to cut the streamyx. Last month he asked my boy whether we still want to use the internet or not because he thought of terminate it for he and the other one seldom use. But if we still want, it’s not a problem for them too, it’s only RM19.25 per person. And now he said only two of us use it. Wtf?!? Like the house has 5 ppl or more, don’t count the cats ok. It’s 2 - 2 now. Not 3 say don’t want, 2 say want. Stupid so unfair.

I speculate that he saw the internet kena cut AGAIN (the 3rd time in 6 months!), the bill is so high almost RM500 belum lagi water and electric, we gonna move out mid of May (the rental start from mid of this month to mid of next month), plus he seldom use internet at home, so he thought of leave it like that, cut mah cut lo. Cos if he wants to activate it again, he needs to pay not a small amount of money, plus the activation fee or whatever charge it is. Then after we move out, he not gonna use it anymore. So, leave it there, find some stupid acceptable reason, see when have money then only slowly slowly pay la.

Every 2 months we paid him, but I didn’t see the evidence of him paying it. Never had I saw there is 0 (read: Zero) tunggakan at the bill. Never! There is always quite a number of money at tunggakan there. At least RM100, ditumpuk-tumpuk lama-lama jadi bukit, until 300-400 for each water, electric and streamyx. If I count it, at least 5 months for each. Last 2 months when he gave me the bill statement, I saw he marked the other fella not yet paid since April 2006 for the water bill! Wtf?!? 10 months already.

He only paid when the house has no water for it has been cut. He just wrote a note for us and stick it on the fridge that he called the ppl already and will settle the bill, asked us to save the water as much as we can. Wtf?!? Not even called us and talked to us directly. He didn’t pay all for this. Then here comes no electric, suddenly everything off. Again, he didn’t pay all. Streamyx, already twice and now is the third one. Before this, he never paid all also. Not even half. Wtf?!? Is he a psycho who likes to owe money and sekali pays like thousand ringgit? Is he so damn no money to pay the bill but care to buy lotsa foods and stuffs for the cats? I feel like korek his brain and his heart, see what is he thinking of actually.

The only thing that he never forget to pay, not even late, and always asked us to pay fast fast is the rental. For he said before that the house owner is very strict. Aha.. I see. If only the water, electric, streamyx is that strict and can make him scare. What makes me curious is how can he owe water bill until hundreds while every month is about RM20sth only. That’s like a year of never paid?

Fucker. I won’t let him go. He wanna play this game, Fine. I’m gonna continue with him.It’s my last month staying here and I’m gonna use the time wisely, let him ‘die’ slowly. I don’t wanna harm the cats but I’m definitely gonna do something with the computer, TV, PS, fridge, and so on. Let him feel what he said and did to us, all turning back to him.

*Evil mode on*

One year old

Today is Friday the 13th. Eng Ing Eng… It also marks my 1 year of blogging since my 1st post here. What an achievement for me, maintain a blog for a year. I mean I write!, eh no I type, with my England for a year. I can’t even manage to keep on writing my diary while I was at school. I can count it with my ten fingers.

Let me recall the milestone of me getting to blog til now. Another nostalgic entry. I can’t help it, just love being in the nostalgic moment.

It was about 3 years ago when I got to know this incredible thing called blog. I was so curious what is it, how can ppl have their own web page (yourname.com or yourname.blogspot.com - it’s so cool rite? having your name in it), write and post pictures whatever they want. What an online diary. So, I asked my boy and he told me to figure it out myself from blogger. Isshh.. So pelit ilmu one.

I signed up at blogger on June 2004. I did it at a cybercafe if I not mistaken, for I didn’t own a computer at that time. A newbie in blogging, I followed the tutorial for the 1st time user sth like that. I get confused and didn’t understand, found it complicated at that time. I left it and looked for other blog site.

I tried xanga and livejournal. I posted 2 or 3 entries before in each of them. I was kind of panas panas taik ayam towards blogging at that time. So, I never came back to check those anymore, including blogger. Sometimes I search for other blog service and sign up also but never use it or once then leave it untouched.

Then when my boy set his own blog site called ‘Wasblog’ at the end of 2005 I think, I signed up there and started to write for some times before he sold it to other ppl.

Before that, I have an account in Multiply where I always upload and store my pictures there. After a long time, there was this desire to write. I tried the blog service and found it so simple and easy to use. Or maybe my brain’s door that lead to blogging road just opened at that time. September 2005, I started my first post here. From there I also found out the way to insert picture in my entry. I stick to Photobucket to store the pictures that I use for blogging or others until now.

One fine day, I decided to stop using multiply blog’s service and move to blogger instead. The reason I moved is for the more friendly layout I think. Plus the template. Hehe.. So, here I am.

After using dot blogspot for quite some time, I changed and used my own domain name which is my surname. My boy bought it some times ago. Lovely him. At that time he kept on whining - buy already still don’t want to use and leave it there. =P

What drove me to write at the first, is that I want to practice my England, uppss, English I mean. Study graphic design, never write essay or a long paragraph in English, I find that I need to polish and get used to write in English.

The other thing is I want to keep a record, memory, reference for me to read in my free time, or future. I want to leave a mark about life and everything. Because time keeps on going, never stop or pause, and won’t come back. A picture says a thousand words. A great partner to combine with words.

Later on I found the other reason that makes me keeps on writing, which is the writing exercise that I went thru on my first training, APIP. Listen to the music, let it lead me and write. Lying on the bed, think of sth then write. Maybe there is something that I can’t say it out to ppl, maybe it’s a sorry, maybe it’s a thanks, the past, or the feeling of hating myself; whatever it is, I can use writing as the medium to burst out all those. Clear what I want to clear. Say what I want to say. I find it therapeutic though. To keep me from insane.

Now, whenever I have something going on my head, I sure going on like this - OMG! I need to write this down. ASAP.

Since this is my personal blog, I never care about the page rank la, adsense la, all those fancy fancy stuffs la. Although I wanna try it too, ehehe. I see it so challenging, build the blog, maintain, raise it, see the page rank goes high, put ads, then money comes in. $$$$. Ahaha..

Happy friday the 13th, people! Great weekend is waiting ahead. PC Fair, yuhu..