April 2007 archive
I can’t delay anymore. I can’t stop the time. I can’t deny from the fact. I no longer can run and hide from my fear.
When I have to leave, I have to leave. When I have to choose, I have to choose.
I will leave Malaysia on 7th May.
Will I come back again? Sure. I will spare the time and money to come back for holidays. for him 
for the friends here. for Malaysia itself.
What will I do in Medan? Get myself a job of course. Yeah, a job, not a career at the moment. Whether it is advertising or not, I’m fine with it.
What about AE? I still want it. But I feel I lack of something. Actually, I’m just not confident. I want to try other thing to build myself before come to it. Or maybe I will hook on my new job later, who knows.
After all, I think I just need to set myself free from plans, certainty, clarity and go with the flow for a while. I’ve been a robotic human who live with plans and certainty, so damn organize punya life. Spontaneous is needed now.
I’ve thrown away quite alot of my stuffs while at Puchong there and just now I have to throw some again 
You know how sad it is to throw something that is not cheap and still can be used but you will hardly use it anymore, and somewhat become useless for you, like the acrylic, crayon, I can’t dump all the so called rubbish to my boy. He has to move out mid of May and still don’t know where to leave all the stuffs. It’s too much for him, himself only. I hate move out.
Seven days to go.
I maybe dislike the housemate for his behaviour, attitude whatsoever. I haven’t forgotten the internet thing and his word of cleaning the house since last week but still not yet throw all the cats’ litter. The litter in the cage is still there for weeks already. If he takes no action this weekend, I’m gonna choke those in his mouth later on. *sarcastic mode on*
But I can’t resist the cuteness, innocent look from the kitten. From all the 15 (or 16) cats and kitten in the house, I like it the most. I always feel like taking it out from the cage, sayang sayang it. But… the smell (don’t know it’s from the food or the litter or elsewhere) stops me from doing so. Plus all the cage looks so dirty, no need to mention how often the fella clean it.
I think it just one month old. It is the cutest-paling lucu-imut among the siblings. See the way it sleeps. The other two leg is not able to stand yet. I wonder whether or not it is the one that fell down to the floor once the mum gave birth. Also the one that look alike with the mummy. Hopefully it won’t grow up like the mummy, I somehow don’t like the mum’s face.
If cats is forever like that big only, I will go and pet one. How cute, small fat-fat. Sadly they grow up, bigger and bigger, no more cute. Nah, baby also look cute, then grow up already very ma fan one.
The siblings have such a mix color, black-white-brown. More into the daddy side I think since the mum’s color isn’t like that. This is the 3rd cat of the housemate that gave birth, with 3 kittens. I wonder whether cats always gave birth to three or what. Why so ngam one ya?
Despite his dirtiness, the cats and kittens are so lucky to have him as the owner. He provides them lotsa kind of foods, diet food, even weigh first before gave to them. They even have meat. Kitchen is full with the cats foods.Just now we were in the kitchen when the boyfriend of the housemate came in to take a plate full of raw meat. My boy’s mouth is kinda itchy I guess when he told the fella that the meat looks like can be eaten by man. “Yes, it can be.” Then my boy asked whether it’s fish meat or what. “Oh no, it’s beef.”
Wtf?!? That’s a plate full of beef, can feed 3 to 4 people. And he feeds it to the cats? Such a huge animal kena potong-potong and goes into cats’ stomache? -__-” Dear cats and kittens, you are so damn blessed. I don’t even eat beef that often last time. I don’t consume it already now.
Well, they have to feed the new generation healthy, rich, good foods and prepare them for the next cats’ competition, replacing the mum/auntie/uncle I guess. Like the cats know what the fuck that medal for. It’s so many at house, full with dust and cats’ feather.
I don’t know have to say those cats are blessed or what.
Bah! Last night I had a dream. Or rather a nightmare. Somehow, I smoked a cigarette, in my dream. What make me more shocked was, my Mum handed it to me! Wtf?!? How could I had such a dream? I don’t crave for smoking. Not wanted to try. Never. She won’t allow me too. Then, what am I worry about? Aiya, fine. Mimpi hanyalah bunga tidur.
Maybe my mind just wanna break the ‘wall’, do something unusual that I never ever dare to try (?) But why smoking ya? *Heran sendiri*
Anyway, today is the 4th week, the 29th day to be exact since the bloody sial day when the hot water from boiled Spaghetti accidentally poured down on my left leg. I’ve changed skin like a snake since then. Felt the pain that I never ever had, unable to walk, went to clinic with him carry me on his back, getting that pity-pain-jijik-euy-shock-like-I-am-the-beast kind of look from people, cannot eat seafood la this la that la, ‘prison’-ized at home, etc. Serasa dunia akan runtuh (Hiperbola sedikit.)
Time does heal. It’s so amazing to see how the leg was back then and now. I can’t believe that I once felt so pain, hurt, down. Now, those feelings has gone. Physically the skin is almost back to normal. Most importantly, I can walk, run, jump, etc! Wuhu! Everyday I look at it, every little changes (the good one of course) always make me smile. Thank you God~!
The most challenging yet painful part, the source of the pain and unable to walk, came from this little yellowish part that was infected by bacteria or whatever.It became more and more obvious. Don’t look down on it oh, though it’s just a small part but the pain it caused was unbelievable.
I didn’t know anything about the infection until my 2nd visit or a week after the incident, the doctor told me,”Yellow not good! It will go deeper and eat the skin” (Yes, it does go deeper, looks like a shallow lake) and rubbed it like rubbed his writing on a piece of paper with eraser with the Sumo power. If rub paper, it comes out those pieces of rubber thingy, nah mine is bleeding! It’s like you rub the paper til it tears or koyak. If the paper can talk sure it will yell Ouch!, grab your hand and ask you to stop.
The pain-the tear-the cry-the patient all worthy when it gets better day by day. The achievement when I managed to peel off that part myself almost everyday, made me ignored the pain and went on for the sake of I want to be able to walk, faster. Pain now for a short time only or leave it and pain for a longer period of time. Of course I choose the first one.
This past 4 weeks I felt how uncomfortable it is to have almost everyone-who-pass-by-me eyes on my fugly leg. It’s so damn uncomfortable. Really. It makes me feel like I’m some sort of alien from the outer space that turn to human but fail. After a while I do try not to give a damn to that kind of look. Fuck with what others think, fuck with the way they stare and look at me and think that they are just being sua pa kau.
That give me a lesson, don’t ever give that pity-euy kind of look to disable ppl or someone with scar on his/her body. There is no need to look at them from the head til toes, from front til back. It helps nothing. Although they probably won’t give a damn, but they are human being too, only not physically normal. But well, who defined normal is normal?
Lagi won’t help by saying “aiyo so pity”, “must be very pain hor”, “why so careless one?”, etc. Duh.. Sien la.. Don’t keep on blaming can ah? I’ve been blaming myself, that’s enough, I need no more blaming. And, I don’t like to be pity. That just make me feel terrible and horrible. Encouragement is more useful. Anyhow, that shows someone care. I thank you everyone for your sympathy and your two cents during my past 4 weeks, either you whom I know well or stranger on the road. Makasi semuanya..
The wireless connection still on after 11 hours. Wondering why and what makes da fella on it the whole night and day? Whatever it is, I’m glad for that. Whoever he or she is, thank you so much. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to steal but well, it’s a no-password-is-needed punya connection, anyone can enter anytime on his or her own risk. It won’t harm.
I still have AVG and other anti virus – spyware to update. And those takes forever. Duh..
It’s so damn slow to online with my Firefox but it runs smooth with my boy’s Safari. Why oh why?
I need to download Heroes. Connection, please be stable, please please…
If I see my life like The Sims game, I’m in the stage of frustration and dead bored. My social life’s bar drop down to almost zero. I don’t even have an internet to chat with ppl. (Well, I can connect to an unprotected wireless connection at night, hehe, but have to prepare anytime it will be off) Duh! And I quarrel with him alot this days. Every words turn to quarrel. Wtf?!? Sigh.. What’s wrong with me? Like in The Sims game, I will need to make new friends or built and maintain the relationship that I have now if not it will drop down.
As if it’s not enough, I don’t know how to have fun and feel it now. I read my newly bought chiclit but I feel something is missing. It’s too quiet, like no life surround me. I turn my music on from my laptop. I still feel so damn lonely. I insert The Sims CD and play it but I don’t feel the fun. I click on the webpage that I saved and learn AutoCad but still something isn’t on. I wanna go out, out from my room and the house. But when I walk on my own in the shopping centre, I feel so empty.
Oh my.. Is this the result of someone spend most of the time at home with no job, no study, no housework, no internet, no TV, no radio? And all those link to no social life. Duh! I’m a dead meat with a dead soul, live like a zombie.
ARGHHHH!!!! I’m gonna end up talking to myself and I will be sent to mental hospital soon if I still like this for this few days. Or getting worse. I need something new to spark my life. I need to do something different.
“If you do what you always do, you will get what you always get.”
Funk you Funk you Funk you Funk you Funk you!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took forever to go in photobucket site. Cannot upload pics then. Sigh…
Still have connection. Play kao kao first then only sleep before da fella off it. MUahaha..