Alrite, so it’s another night of lying on the bed for some time with the eyes close but the mind still think of this and that.

Like usual, I end up writing out those things in here. Well, not all the time though. Sometimes I write and post and delete or I write and then tak jadi post or I write and post permanently.

I just need to clear those virus in my mind. Sometimes I want it to leave a mark here but there is the time when I just wanna clear it and flush it away.

So, this time what goes on my mind is again the dilemma about finding a job and settle myself in Malaysia or Indonesia.

The thing is even though my mouth said I will go back Medan and accept the job offer as a drafter, that’s why I start learning Autocad, there is some part of me haven’t given up in finding a job here and still believe there are chances, possibilities.

I know it clearly that thing doesn’t go right in this way. I won’t be able to move on if I don’t let go the other choice and make up my mind. Now my focus is like 50% here and another 50% there. or even 60 – 40, I don’t know. I don’t have a clear-specific-and-no-more-changing punya intention.

Part of me want here and the other one want there. Drafter not what I wanna be though I have some fun while learning Autocad (cracking head for the math, I love it). But God has give me this gift which is so coincidence. And the auntie is so nice. Fine, if I cannot take this job, still can find a job as Graphic designer kan? Yeah, another job hunting session in Medan. -__-”

What drive me back to Medan is my family and the life in Medan. I miss them. Some more being there, at least I can minimize the chances of me getting injured or even if I do, transportation is easier to get than here. Worst come to worst, I can take becak to go to doctor unlike here which luckily I have my boy willingly to carry me on his back. If raining, then die la. Ask for taxi to drive me from my house area to the clinic which is like Bangsar LRT to GFH is not fun kan? Some more this kind of emergency we don’t know when can happen one.

Why I can’t let go of Malaysia, I’m so used to it after 3 years living here. The environment, the lifestyle, the transportation, the air, the road, living alone, independent, and so on. The food still can bear with it though. The bad side is when got some emergency like what I said before. Sigh..

Then, I’m still not pang sim leaving my boy alone here. I scare he cannot wake up eventhough the alarm rings like sai beside his ear. -__-” No one to remind him to sleep earlier when he gets too high with the computer. How about the clothes? Laundry? And so on.

If I’m in Medan, I got to bear with the slow internet connection to talk to him and the expensive sms fee. Book ticket to fly here fly there. It needs a high maintenance, not only financially but also mentally, physiologically and whatever term it is.

That’s the consequences of my choices.

Nah, let’s say I jadi balik kampung, I still in dilemma in between Airasia and MAS. Airasia was so cheap, RM29.99, plus tax become RM139,99 sth I think. But I have so many things to bring back. If I reduce, using that big luggage, normally is about 20kg. I think I’m gonna choose MAS and don’t tham for cheap stuffs which later on just make myself ma fan, have to pay extra and walk so far like sai.

This balik kampung is a must in the next one month for I will settle the deposit with college. And that needs the form, ‘who who superstar’ punya signature, and so on, not to forget the copy of my flight ticket going back to my country. So ma fan la. IShh.. Plus the malay girl from student service just call me yesterday telling me that my visa is expired. I told her I know already and that I’ve went out to Singapore and came back. Then she said,”Can you come to the Student Service?” with the tone like asking me to go there NOW. WTF? -__-” Shouldn’t you ask whether I’m in college or not, I’m still studying or not. Stupid.

Haihz.. Dilemma.. oh dilemma.. Should I give up for the time to answer it and still heading for 2 roads? Or fight for one?

What I want to clear has been clear. I will read this again later on so that I can get clearer. Time to sleep and let the brain rest.

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